Entry 19900102 - Bethany Krajick

_January 2, 1990, Milford, Ohio_


Doctor Mercer was in her office early on Tuesday morning, the day after New Year's. Her first appointment of the day, with Bethany Krajick, was scheduled for 7:30am, which gave Doctor Mercer about twenty minutes to drink her tea and prepare. The phone rang, and as her receptionist hadn't arrived, Fran answered the call.

"Fran Mercer," she said.

"Doctor Mercer, it's Steve Adams."

"Steve! How are you?"

"I'm a lot better than Bethany, that's for damned sure," he said, his voice a combination of anger and sadness.

"I saw you at the funeral, but you and Bethany walked away together before I could say 'hello'."

"I'm sorry about that, but as I'm sure you can imagine, I was more worried about her than pleasantries."

"Yes, of course. How are you doing?"

"I had a syncopal incident when I first heard the news. Al Barton insisted I stay in the hospital overnight for test."

"And?"

"Nothing new. They're still looking."

"Hopefully they'll uncover the root cause and treat it."

"Hopefully. Anyway, one of my confidantes suggested I see you because I'm struggling."

"With Nick's death?"

"Yes. You know I try to make sense of the world and it no longer makes sense, and I'm not sure it ever will."

"Are you in Chicago?"

"Yes. But I'm planning to drive down today to see Bethany. Kathy and I agreed that we need to help her in any way we're able to. And before you say it, that means appropriately, Doctor Mercer."

"Your definition of 'appropriate' and mine differs."

"I'm not going to have sex with Bethany," I replied. "I'm not a _complete_ idiot."

"No, not _complete_," Doctor Mercer said with a soft laugh, knowing she could get away with saying something like that to Steve.

"Are you free tomorrow morning?"

"I have a patient scheduled for 9:00am. Could you be here at 7:00am?"

"I could. See you then."

They said their goodbyes and Doctor Mercer replaced the handset in the cradle of the phone. She made a note in her appointment book, then went to the large filing cabinet where she kept 'inactive' records, retrieved Steve's file, and moved it to the drawer of her credenza where she kept her active files. She'd need to review his file at home so she would be ready for his appointment in the morning.

"Good morning, Fran," Bethany said, coming into the office and closing the door.

"Good morning, Bethany. There's tea in the pot. I haven't made coffee, but you could turn on the machine if you want."

"Tea is fine, thanks. Steve got all of us hooked on tea back in Junior High."

"I just spoke to him. He's coming to see you?"

"Yes. He and Kathy have worked out some sort of platoon system, I guess. And before you say it, no, I am not planning to have sex with him, now, or anytime soon."

"Emotions combined with biology have a long history of overcoming plans in that regard."

"I trust him."

"You’ll forgive me for bluntly saying I fear that trust is misplaced, given your history."

"We'll have to agree to disagree," Bethany replied. "And my request to start seeing patients?"

Doctor Mercer removed her eyeglasses and pinched her nose, the put her glasses back in place.

"You're not ready, Bethany," Doctor Mercer said.

"I can't sit around doing nothing!" Bethany protested. "I need something to take my mind off what happened in Guam. And honestly, if I can't do that here, then I think I'm going to have to go back to Illinois where I can practice."

"Have you cried?"

Bethany shook her head, "No. It's not time."

"When you are ready to cry, THEN we can talk about you seeing patients. And I really don't think going back to Chicago is a good idea."

"You never did understand my relationship with Steve," Bethany sighed.

In a sense, Fran thought, Bethany was right, but in another sense, and more importantly, Bethany was wrong. Fran understood that the relationship was a strange mix of supportive and destructive. To use a Greek myth as metaphor, they could soar through the skies together, but eventually one of them flew so high that the wax melted and their wings fell off.

Both had a history of seriously failed relationships, including their own, though to borrow another myth, somehow their relationship managed to rise from the ashes like a phoenix every time it had crashed and burned. And every time that phoenix rose, they ended up in a physical relationship, drawn to each other like strong magnets. Fran had tried for over ten years to help them come to some semblance of stability, but something always intervened - a girl, a guy, an accident, and ultimately, Nick's death.

"I think your relationship with Steve is so complex that none of us truly understands it."

"I'm not sure I can live without him," Bethany sighed. "And I don't want to try."

"What did you do this past week?"

"Spent time with Nicholas, went to the cemetery, spent time with my dad, slept, and watched TV."

"Not your mom?"

"My mom and I don't communicate. We haven't since Steve and I broke up the summer after graduation. She's still angry over that, and I'm sure she thinks it was all my fault."

"Because of Andrew? We talked about that."

"I know. I didn't say I thought it was all my fault, just that my mom still does. Dad understands. Strangely, he always has. He trusted Steve to take care of me, no matter what, from the first time they met. And Steve has never let him down."

"You need to find something to occupy your time," Doctor Mercer said.

"Seeing patients will do that, you know."

"Yes, I know. But not yet, Bethany."

Bethany sighed deeply, "Can we make a deal?"

"I offered one before."

"Then can I offer a modification?"

"What?"

"Steve's session tomorrow; make it a joint session."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"If you leave us alone in your office, I'll cry while he holds me."

As Fran considered Bethany's request, her crying in Steve’s arms was probably going to happen no matter what, and having it happen here, in her office, was probably the safest place it could happen. Anywhere else ran the risk of them falling back into their old pattern, and THAT, Fran thought, would be a complete disaster.

"I think I can work with that," Fran said. "He's supposed to be here at 7:00am."

"I'll show up a bit after that, say, ten minutes. And please let me talk to him without interrupting."

"I have to keep my own counsel on that, Bethany, but I'll let you lead."

"Thanks."

Fran realized that they wouldn't make any further progress, and despite her misgivings, felt that Bethany's idea might help, though it was fraught with all kinds of danger.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow about 7:10am," Fran said.

Bethany got up, they said 'goodbye', and Bethany left the office. Fran made notes in Bethany's file, and as she had some time before her next appointment, took out Steve's thick file an began to review. She was interrupted when her phone buzzed and her receptionist announced her next patient.

"Good morning, Marcie," Doctor Mercer said when the sixteen-year-old girl came into the office and shut the door.

"Hi, Doctor Mercer. Mom went to have coffee. She said she'll be back ten minutes before we're done in case you want to talk to her."

"Have a seat."

Marcie sat on the couch and Doctor Mercer moved from her desk to the chair near the couch.

"How are you doing?" Doctor Mercer asked.

"I don't want to kill myself today."

"Good."


_January 3, 1990, Milford, Ohio_

Steve was punctual as usual, arriving at 7:00am. Doctor Mercer invited him in, offered him tea which he accepted, and then he sat down in the chair near her desk.

"I was surprised to hear from you after all these years, but I suppose it made sense for you to call me, given what happened. How have you been?"

"Since the last time we talked?" I said with a smile. "I could write a novel, except I don't feel like it at this point. I saw you at the interment, but I didn't have a chance to say 'hello' because Bethany took me aside."

"I saw that. I have a question for you - have you been keeping your journal?"

"I'm not sure I can at this point. I used it to try to make sense of the world, but now, after everything that's happened, I don't think that's possible."

"Which is why you're here. But why me? Why now?"

"Because I came this close," I said, holding my thumb and forefinger a millimeter apart, "to shutting down. I'd have destroyed everything. And I knew you would understand. And that you could help."

"Write, Steve. It's important. It's cathartic. All those things you can't let out to anyone else for whatever reason, write them down. If you don't, you'll drive yourself crazy."

"Isn't that why I'm here?" I asked with a wry smile.

"You aren't crazy. You're human. Nobody can go through something like this without being affected."

"It makes even less sense than what happened with Birgit. Or Stephie."

They spoke for about ten minutes before Bethany knocked on the door and came into the office.

"What are YOU doing here?" Steve asked, totally surprised.

"We need to do this together," Bethany said, moving to sit by Doctor Mercer.

"But..." he protested.

"How can I do this after what happened? This is part of me getting through it. You and I can help each other the way we always have, but we have to keep our feelings for each other in check."

"Doctor Mercer, could you leave us alone?" Steve asked.

"Bethany?" Doctor Mercer queried.

"Yes, please."

Doctor Mercer nodded and left her office. She closed the door behind her, and sat down at her receptionist's desk. She had made a gamble and hoped it would pay off. What happened in the next fifteen or twenty minutes might well make the difference between success and disaster for a number of people. It could turn out very badly, but it might also get Bethany to a point where she could properly recover from the shock of Nick's death. And Bethany was still in shock. Once she cried, which she'd promised to do, THEN Doctor Mercer felt they could make some progress.

Steve and Bethany didn't open the door, and Doctor Mercer was concerned, so she got up and softly knocked on the door, then opened it and went in. She needed to talk to Bethany alone, and decided to use a bit of subterfuge.

"Sorry," Fran said, "but my next client will be here in about five minutes. Steve, are you coming in tomorrow morning as we discussed?"

"Yes, I am," he replied. "Thanks for today, it was helpful. Both before and after you left us. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good."

"I'll see you in a couple of hours, Sweetheart," he said.

Steve using his pet name for Bethany concerned Fran greatly, as in her mind, it was a warning sign that they might well fall back into their old pattern.

"Thanks," Bethany replied to Steve. "You can't even begin to imagine how much I appreciate it."

"I'm just paying forward what Jennifer and others did for me when something like this happened to me."

Steve and Bethany exchanged a quick hug, she kissed him on the cheek, and he left the office. Doctor Mercer closed the door and went to sit with Bethany.

"Sorry about the subterfuge, though technically you are my patient."

"It's OK. Steve provided exactly what I needed. He knew, too. As soon as we sat down, he told me to cry."

"Good. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not today, please. I need to spend more time with Steve before I talk with you about it."

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but where is he staying?"

"He's at a friend's house, but I asked him to come stay at our house, and he called Kara and Jessica to discuss it."

"Bethany..." Doctor Mercer warned with a sigh.

"Just as my friend."

"I think you're taking a huge risk, and I really wish you wouldn't do that."

"Fran," Bethany said in a soft but firm voice, "I know what I need and I know what I'm doing."

Fran shook her head, "I don't think that's true at all."


_January 5, 1990, Milford, Ohio_

"He held me and let my cry myself to sleep. I asked him to make love to me and he refused."

Doctor Mercer sighed, "I was afraid of that, and to be frank, I'm not convinced you two are being honest with me, Bethany."

Bethany smiled wanly, "I can see you doubting me, but Steve? He'd never lie to you about that. He's never lied to you about us, even when I tried to keep things from you. How can you doubt him?"

"Steve would kill to protect you; telling a lie to protect you doesn't even come close!"

Bethany shook her head, "You STILL don't understand him! He'd kill Seaman Jefferson if he had the opportunity, though I suspect he'd have to get in line. He'd have killed Josh Benton or had him killed, if I hadn't demanded he not do so. But lie? No."

"Hang on! You're saying he'd commit cold-blooded murder before he'd lie?"

"I'm telling you, Fran, you do NOT understand him. Steve may not be in the military, but it's all about honor, duty, and, for want of a better term, unit cohesiveness. When his honor is at stake, he's very predictable. When he feels he has a duty, he's unstoppable. The people he loves are worth more to him than his own life."

"But he's opposed to the death penalty - we've talked about that."

"Yes, he is, but you saying that simply shows you STILL don't get him! He doesn't think the government should have the power to judicially kill. On the other hand, duty and honor require him to kill Seaman Jefferson if he has the opportunity, unless I tell him not to, which I have. And he'll keep his word. And, just so you know, there were quite a few officers in Guam who would have gone into the brig and killed him with their bare hands if I'd asked."

"But Steve is a pacifist...that makes no sense."

"Yes, but not the way you mean. He won't initiate violence. But if someone else does, he'll end it, violently and with finality. He and Nick saw eye to eye on that - the goal of having a strong military is deterrence, and if someone is foolish enough not to be deterred, the you destroy them as quickly and violently as possible, go home, have a beer, fuck your wife, and play with your kids. So, no, Steve isn't lying and won't lie."

"I still think it's unwise, Bethany. Your history..."

"Is exactly why I knew I could trust him to hold me, let me cry, and gently refuse to make love to me. We both agree that's the right way forward. You wanted me to cry, and I found the way I could do it, and have it MEAN something."

"You have to admit that your relationship with him is very strange."

Bethany laughed softly, "Steve is very strange. And I think you should try to understand him for who he REALLY is."

"Well, I'm seeing him this afternoon, and I think I have plenty to discuss with him."

"And me seeing patients?" Bethany asked.

"We're making progress."

"Good."