Entry 19830504 - Kara Anne Blanchard

_May 04, 1983, Milford, Ohio_


"Hi, Kara, how are you today?" Doctor Mercer asked.

"OK, I guess," Kara replied.

"Why do you say that?"

"I don't really want to be here, but Steve told me I had to tell you what happened."

"That's because he really cares for you."

"But I ruined everything!" Kara protested, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Steve doesn't believe that. Can you tell me why?"

"Because I walked out on him when he was going to ask me to marry him!" Kara wailed.

"And your mom tells me that he tried, from the first moment, to talk to you about what had happened. And he's done everything he can to help you get better."

"But I ruined things!" Kara sobbed.

"Will you tell me why you walked out on Steve? The real reason?"

Kara clutched her bear tightly and sobbed harder. Doctor Mercer got up from her chair and did something she usually didn't do - she sat down on the couch next to Kara and put her arm around her. Kara leaned on Doctor Mercer's shoulder and cried hard for a good ten minutes. When Kara finally composed herself, Doctor Mercer handed her tissues to wipe her face and blow her nose.

"I did something terrible," Kara whispered.

"Will you tell me?" Doctor Mercer asked gently.

"I," Kara began, then had a hitch in her breath, "had sex with someone."

Which, in Doctor Mercer's mind, certainly had the potential for causing the meltdown Kara had experienced, though given Steve's sexual ethics, most likely wouldn't have meant the end of the relationship. That was especially true given that Steve had cheated on Kara, and she'd forgiven him, and whatever else Steve might be, he was no hypocrite.

"That sounds like something you could talk to Steve about," Doctor Mercer said gently.

Kara shook her head, "It's not Steve, it's me. I sinned and I don't want to go to hell!"

Doctor Mercer took a deep breath, being careful not to let it out in a way that sounded like a sigh. There was very little she could do about the theological issues, but perhaps she could get Kara to a place where she was at least at peace with herself. It would take some very careful guidance, so as not to interfere with Kara's religious beliefs, but Doctor Mercer had some experience in that area.

"Well, let's talk about what happened. Just start at the beginning."

"I don't really want to," Kara sighed.

"But it's the only way I can help you."

Kara took a deep breath, nodded, and bit her lip. It was a few minutes before she spoke.

"Last year, after my dad died," Kara said, her voice a droning monotone, "I was really lonely, and Steve was in Chicago. I really should have gone to college, like I planned, but my mom needed me, so I stayed in Milford. I stopped going to that horrible church, and that meant not seeing most of my friends. I spent lots of time with Steve's friend Joyce..."

Kara's voice trailed off, and she dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

"...I needed someone to talk to, and she ended up staying overnight quite a few times. Sometimes we'd cuddle, especially when I was sad. One night, last November, when we were cuddling, she kissed me."

It took every ounce of willpower Doctor Mercer had for her not to react visibly to the revelation she was sure was coming, and which was, all things being equal, the very LAST thing she might have imagined Kara confessing.

"I was lonely," Kara continued, the words coming in a rushed jumble and tears rolling down her cheeks, "and I didn't stop her. We were just lying in bed cuddling and she put her hand on my breast and kissed my neck. It felt good and I didn't complain when she kept kissing me like that. When I turned to look at her, she kissed my lips and pulled me close. I kissed her back and we kept kissing and eventually she moved to my breasts and then between my legs. It just felt so good I couldn't tell her to stop. She made me cum and then because she did it to me I did it to her. She fell asleep first and I cried myself to sleep because I was so disgusted with myself! And because it happened in my bed, I couldn't make love with Steve there ever again!"

Doctor Mercer waited to see if Kara would say anything more before speaking.

"Did you tell Steve about that before or after you broke up with him?"

"Before," Kara said, sounding forlorn.

"And what did he say?"

"That everything was OK, but it wasn't! I had sex with a girl! I felt dirty and sinful and disgusted!"

"Had you ever done anything like that before?" Doctor Mercer asked.

Kara sniffed and nodded, "Some kissing and a bit more. But only with Steve there! He kept me safe!"

"Safe?"

"To not do things I didn't want to do!"

"Do you think Joyce forced you?" Doctor Mercer asked carefully.

"No," Kara said, sounding small. "She didn't make me."

"Did Steve encourage you to do 'a bit more'?"

"No. Joyce wanted to, but she and Steve had a fight about it because Joyce was dating someone and broke up with him because she wanted to have sex with Steve and me."

"And you didn't want that?"

"I was confused," Kara sighed. "But I told Joyce I couldn't ever have sex with her!"

"But it was OK if it was you and Steve?"

"I don't know," Kara sighed again. "It was strange but Steve was there, so I felt safe."

"It happened more than once?"

Kara nodded, "Yes. But it was kissing and touching, not...you know, oral."

"You said Steve was understanding; why break things off with him?"

"Because sex outside of marriage is a sin! Homosexuality is a sin!"

"You've always believed that?" Doctor Mercer asked.

"Yes!" Kara affirmed.

"But you chose to have sex with Steve in spite of that?"

"Yes," Kara sighed.

"Can you tell me why?"

"To prove my dad and pastor didn't control me."

"Not because you loved Steve?"

Kara took a deep breath and let it out, "I did, but I decided to have sex with him first, then fell in love with him."

"Would you do something for me?" Doctor Mercer asked.

"Maybe. What?"

"Write your story, starting from the first time you met Steve. That was chemistry class, right?"

Kara shook her head, "No, I met him before that, when he was interviewing Birgit for the Junior High newspaper."

"Then start with that. Just write what happened and what you thought."

"Do I have to write about Joyce?" Kara asked quietly.

"It would help," Doctor Mercer said.

"I guess."

"Our time is almost up, but I want to make sure you're going to be OK."

"I am."

"Remember you can call me anytime."

"Thank you."

They both got up from the couch and walked to the door. Kara's mom was waiting to take her home, and she and Doctor Mercer exchanged a look. It was clear that Nancy wanted to know what had happened, but Doctor Mercer couldn't tell her because Kara had only given permission for Steve, not for her mom.

"See you next week, Kara," Doctor Mercer said.

"Bye," Kara said.

Doctor Mercer went back into her office and made notes about her session with Kara, then saw two more patients before she headed home.

"You look upset," Sam said when she walked into the house.

"I had a tough afternoon," Fran replied. "But you know I can't talk about it."

"From what I see in your eyes, you need to call Laura," he said gently. "Go do that. Dinner won't be ready for another hour."

Fran nodded and went to the small study she had at home, picked up the cordless phone, and dialed Doctor Laura Paulus, then sat down on the love seat and curled her legs up.

"Laura, it's Fran. Got some time?"

"For you? Always. What's up?"

"You know the patient we've discussed? The young woman with the fundamentalist background who had a meltdown?"

"I remember. I take it you've discovered something."

"A same-sex encounter."

"That would do it," Doctor Paulus affirmed. "Consensual?"

"She was emotionally vulnerable, so I'd say not really. But she'd done some experimenting with her boyfriend and this girl, so I also wouldn't say it was completely non-consensual. It's one of those gray areas. The problem is that she's convinced she's going to hell for that encounter, and it's made her reconsider her sexual relationship with her boyfriend in that light as well."

"Tread carefully, Fran."

"I know," Fran sighed, "ethically I can't tell her that her externally imposed moral code is the problem, not her."

"She's been sexually active for some time, right?"

"A couple of years."

"How did she view that?"

"Before the same-sex encounter? I'd say she was a typical teenager with a healthy sex drive and relatively healthy view of sex, despite who her lover was."

"The very promiscuous young man we've talked about?"

"Yes. She tried to rein him in, but failed, and decided to continue the relationship, until the same-sex encounter caused her to break things off."

"I take it he didn't object?"

"I'm reading between the lines, but I'd say from what I know about him, he was more than OK with it, if you get my drift."

Laura laughed, "That kid has the makings of a legend."

"Don't start," Fran warned. "You know my opinion."

"Has he lied to anyone, Fran?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Is he functioning?"

"Straight A student with a successful business."

"Then you know the answer."

"That doesn't mean I have to like it!"

"Are we back on Bethany Krajick again?"

"You know me too well."

"And you know what she told you. Fran, she's doing well and just because she felt she had to have sex with him to be able to get on with her life does not mean you failed!"

"It doesn't feel that way."

"You know what? Come see me on Saturday. I think we need a formal session."

"Lunch afterwards?"

"Yes. See you at 11:00am."

They said 'goodbye' and Fran went to the kitchen to help Sam with dinner.

"I'm going to see Laura on Saturday."

"Good. Some of your patents just seem to drain you of energy."

"I know. Thanks for looking out for me."

"That's what a husband is for!"

"Really?" she asked. "That's all?"

"After dinner, I can show you the OTHER thing husbands are for if you want."

She kissed his cheek, "And I promise I'll make it worth your while..."