Chapter 22 — Intimidation _January 25, 2003, Chicago, Illinois_ 🎤 Jesse {br} {psc} "We're going to complete a perfect group stage!" I declared in the locker room before our match against Saint Patrick Catholic. "Don't let up! If we let up now, we'll never win the tournament! Forwards — sharp, crisp passes and pucks on the net; Defensemen — take away the passing lanes and clear pucks! Let's win it!" "RAH!" the rest of the team shouted in unison. "MEN!" Coach Nelson shouted. "HIT THE ICE!" "RAH!" we all shouted back. We charged out of the locker room, at least as well as we could, wearing skates, and went straight to the ice for warmups. After stretching, Pete and I alternated in goal, and when the horn sounded, he picked up the pucks while I skated to the boards in front of the bench for Coach's final pep talk. For once, he changed his message. "Bust 'em up!" he growled. "RAH!" Coach went conventional and put out the first lines, and I skated to the goal. As I did, I saw something that concerned me — Trey Robinson and Jamal Washington, two Gangster Disciples, sitting in the Kenwood Academy section. I pushed any concerns about that out of my mind and focused on the referee, who had the puck in his hand. He looked to the Saint Patrick keeper, who raised his stick. He looked at me, and I raised my stick. Seconds later, he dropped the puck, and Kenton won the face-off to Tom, who skated across the center line and passed to Jack at the blue line. Jack skated along the boards, and when he got to the face-off circle to the right of the Saint Patrick goalie, he dropped the puck back to Freddy, who fired a one-timer as Tom crashed the net. The keeper gave up a rebound, and Tom fired it past him to put us up 1–0 at just twelve seconds into the game. ————— {br} 🎤 Steve {br} "Now that's what I'm talking about!" Jennifer exclaimed as we all leapt to our feet. "They have to keep their foot on the gas, win big, and carry momentum into next weekend!" Josie declared. "They'd better," I observed. "General Dmitry is going to be here. And Larisa." "And our duck has enough focus to not let a pretty blonde distract him!" Jennifer replied. "After last year's tournament, he's not going to let anything distract him," Libby added. "Shush!" Jennifer ordered. "Do NOT mention that disaster!" "What happened last year?" Avanti inquired. "Don't ask!" Jennifer exclaimed. "I'll explain later," I said to Avanti. The guys absolutely kept their foot on the gas, racking up three more goals in the first period while only allowing three shots, which Jesse easily turned away. The team was aggressive during the second period but didn't score any goals, and Jesse stoned two forwards who had good shots. If our guys continued to play the way they were playing, they were going to walk away with the trophy for winning the citywide tournament in a week's time. ————— {br} 🎤 Jesse {br} "What happened in the second period?" I asked Nicholas as we made our way back to the locker room with the score 4–0 and one period to go. "I'm sure you saw their D really kicked it up a notch, and their goalie started closing his five-hole. Three of our first four were five-holes. We have to try for top shelf in the third and mix it up. You haven't had much work." "A couple of good shots in the second, but that was it. Freddy, Mitch, and DeShawn have been playing perfect D, and the other guys are playing well, too." "We're firing on all cylinders!" Freddy declared. "We put these guys away, then get ready to kick some serious butt!" "Let's not think about next week just yet," Pete counseled. "We have one more period today!" We reached the locker room, and most guys took off their jerseys and shoulder pads so they could change t-shirts. Coach Williams handed out bottles of ice-cold water to everyone, and we all chilled for about five minutes before putting on our pads and jerseys and heading back to the ice. Saint Patrick came at us hard, trying to make a game of it, but we had things completely under control, not taking a single penalty and scoring a fifth goal. When the horn sounded, we lined up for the handshake, having won 5–0 and had a perfect record in the group stage. After the handshake, we headed to the locker room for showers. Everyone was happy, but nobody was really celebrating because we had two hard games ahead of us, and we'd have to beat British International and the winner of the St. Rita—De La Salle game, which would follow our game next Saturday. Mikey and Nicole's team had made the playoffs; now it was a matter of them finding a way to beat Waubonsie Valley. When I left the locker room, Missy was waiting for me, Fangsu was waiting for Mitch, and the four of us headed out to the parking lot. We got into Aunt Kara's SUV and headed to my house to hang out before going to lunch at Portillo's. ————— {br} 🎤 Steve {br} "What happened last year?" Avanti asked as we relaxed in the Jacuzzi after having made love in the sauna after returning home from the hockey game. "They crashed out of the tournament," I said. "Basically, they lost focus and had an off game. That was enough to lose to a team they should have easily beaten. They're determined not to repeat that this year." "Is that girl Jesse met up with after the game his girlfriend?" "One of," I replied. Avanti laughed softly, "So, like father, like son?" "I actually don't pay close attention to what Jesse does in that regard." "Which fits your parenting style – you give your kids tremendous freedom and don't pry." "I do my best, but there are times when it's tough to stay hands-off." "You mean when you think they're making a mistake?" "Better said as choosing sub-optimal behavior. When they make big mistakes, they usually come to me for advice." "Which fits your personality and how you mentor your afternoon karate students." "True." "I've thought more about the last fifteen hours, and I'm convinced that this closeness is the entire point. Being physically intimate is wonderful, but being spiritually intimate is sublime." "Yes, it is. That's something your mom taught me nearly twenty years ago, but I failed to actually internalize it and take it to heart until about seven years ago.' "Your trip to Japan, right?" "Yes. A combination of karate training, meditation, conversations with a Buddhist priest, and a very close, intimate relationship with an amazing young woman." "Yuriko's friend, right?' "Sakurako. I'd have made progress without her, but not nearly as much." "And now your love for her is like a knight for his lady." "I'd say that's an accurate description, given she's Hideki-san's wife." "Do you plan to go back to Japan?" "Eventually, but it's a very long trip, and I'd want to stay for an extended time. That makes it difficult. I'll probably go when the kids are all out of High School, which would be 2010 or thereabouts. And, of course, work and other considerations will dictate when I can go. But I will do it. I never asked, but have you traveled overseas other than to India?" "To London and Paris, both when I was nine. I want to go back to both cities." "I like London, but I prefer Gothenburg, Amsterdam, and Saint Petersburg." "You're going to be in Amsterdam soon, right?" "In just over a month." "What's the most important thing I can do for you?" Avanti asked. "Continue our deep, spiritual relationship, and not let it wane the way I did with your mother." "And physically?" she asked, turning to look into my eyes. "Anything and everything you do is pleasurable. Would you like to make love in the Jacuzzi?" "Yes!" ————— {br} [Aurora, Illinois] 🎤 Matthew {br} Ryan, Arby, Matt W, Nick, and Tara all arrived by 9:55am for our first _Dungeons & Dragons_ session. "For this campaign, you'll need a rogue, a magic user, a healer, and someone skilled with a bow," I said. "All other skills are available from NPCs, either by hiring or attracting followers. It's OK to combine those skills, if you want, and dual class is perfectly OK. In my campaign, there's more need for finesse and problem-solving than for head-to-head mêlée combat." "I'd like to play a dual-class rogue/sorcerer," Ryan said. "Wizard for me," Arby said. "Paladin," Nick said. "Fighter," Matt said. "Rogue," Tara said. "That party will work pretty well," I observed. "This will be challenging, so roll 4d6 seven times and drop the lowest die and the lowest total. For HP, roll twice and take the better score." It took about fifteen minutes for them to create their characters and select their skills and feats. Once they were ready, we began. "All of you are in an inn about ten miles from Waterdeep on the Sword Coast. A young boy comes up to Brandon, the Paladin. "_Ser Palidan, my father has been kidnapped! Could you help?_" ————— {br} [Chicago, Illinois] 🎤 Birgit {br} "I'd ask who died and left you in charge," Miyu teased when I arrived at the dōjō to lead Dad's afternoon class, "but I don't think either of us would be happy." "No way! But for once, you have to do what I tell you!" "Just wait, Birgit-chan! You and I will spar once I defeat your father!" "Ha! Good luck with _that_!" "It's a good thing your dad isn't here," Suzanne said with a smile. "He'd have both your butts in a sling for that kind of talk!" "Well, he's not here, is he?" I asked. "And he put ME in charge!" "It'll be for the last time, if he hears about you implying his rules don't apply when he's not here!" "What-ever!" I giggled. "Don't you two need to line up?" Promptly at 2:00pm, I began the class with meditation time, then light stretching. "Today, we're going to do something dad has done privately with me, but I don't believe has been done at the dōjō. We're going to 'read' the white belt kata. What that means is that I want you to think about the moves, visualize the imagined combat, and describe each move in relation to that. This activity is called «分解» (_bunkai_), which means 'analysis' or 'breaking down into parts'. "You do this by considering each movement and technique in each kata in response to multiple possible attacks — that is, a move might be appropriate to fend off several different «基本» (_kihon_) — the fundamental stances, punches, kicks, blocks, locks, and throws. The goal is to understand the possible scenarios to help us discover new techniques as well as understand the ones we know. In the end, the goal is improved «組手» (_kumite_)." "Not to be difficult," Neil said, "but did your dad or «Shihan» Will authorize doing something that we've never done?" "Yes," I replied. "I discussed with Dad what I planned to do today and he approved." Neli nodded, as did several other students. I wasn't bothered by the question because it was a legitimate one, and Dad had predicted someone would ask. "Let's begin with the ten kata in the «太極» (_Taikyoku_) series. Neil, would you describe the steps in «対局 初段» (_Taikyoku Shodan_), please?" "Yes, Sensei!" he declared. "I'm not a Sensei," I corrected. "Birgit-san would be appropriate." "Yes, Birgit-san! Is it OK to simply use the English terms from the kata sheets?" "Yes. Even «Shihan» Will doesn't know all the Japanese. Begin." Neil nodded, "There are only two techniques used in this kata — stepping punch and downward block, and the only stance used is the front stance. There are twenty moves consisting of eight downward blocks and twelve stepping punches, all in front stance. For each of the downward blocks, we're in the side-facing position; for each punch, we're in the square-facing position. "On each step, keep your back straight and your chin tucked in without changing height as you move from one technique to the next, and your stances should always be the same width, length, and height, with the same weight distribution. Your breathing should be slow and natural, except for the «気合» (_kiai_) strikes on move eight and move sixteen." Neil went on to describe all twenty steps, noting the direction to face and the strike or block used. I asked him to demonstrate and, with each step, imagine the attack he was trying to fend off. When he finished, I thanked him and asked him to sit. "Miyu, would you do the same but give an alternate set of attacks against which you are defending?" "Yes, Birgit-san!" Miyu performed the kata and gave alternate explanations for each step. When she finished, I thanked her, and she sat down. "Rachel, would you comment on what we just observed?" "Me?" Rachel Kealty asked. "Yes, please. Being a lower belt does not mean you have no powers of observation!" "I knew that the kata were stylized fights, but I had never imagined an opponent. Now that we've done this, I have a very different impression of the kata and how they're to be used with sparring." "Good," I replied. "That was the point of this exercise. Sensei Molly, would you explain and demonstrate «対局 ニダン» (_Taikyoku Nidan_)?" "Yes, Birgit-san!" she replied. ————— {br} 🎤 Albert {br} "Doctor Lisa said they're kicking you loose on Monday," I said to Bobby, the leukemia patient. "Yes! Finally! My blast count is negligible. I'm officially in remission." "Awesome. What do you want to do today?" "_Risk_?" "Sure. Billie is available to play, if you want. And so is Jake, next door." "Four players? Cool!" "Doctor Lisa said we could go to the day room." He got out of bed, put on his robe, and we went to the day room where Bille and Jake were waiting with the _Risk_ board, ready to begin the game. "How long does your service project last?" Bobby asked as we began playing. "Until the end of June. It appears I'll have to find someone else to beat at _Risk_!" "You remember that boast in about ninety minutes!" Bobby declared. "How long before you get out, Jake?" I asked. "Tuesday, if my liver function is still normal. The downside is for six months to a year, I have to take extra precautions, like wearing masks when I'm around other people." "What about school?" "I'll have a tutor for the rest of the school year, same as I had while I was here waiting on the transplant. I should be able to go back to school in the Fall." "What grade?" I asked. "I'll be a Freshman at Morgan Park Academy. What about you?" "Navy JROTC at William Howard Taft on the North Side." "You're going to join the Navy?" Jake asked. "I'm trying for an appointment to the Academy. I want to fly jets off carriers." "Whoa! Do you fly?" "I'm not allowed to have a license until I'm seventeen, but a Navy Commander has taught me to fly, and I can do everything from pre-flight to post-flight in a single-engine aircraft." "Guys?" Bobby said. "Can we focus on the game, please?" We both nodded and paid attention to the game with just occasional conversation. I ended up winning, but it was a close thing for most of the game until I finally broke through Bobby's lines with a few key rolls of the dice. "The Navy Commander who is teaching you to fly, is he a jet pilot?" Jake asked as we put the game back into its box. "She's a she," I replied. "And she's a former Surface Warfare Specialist who is now working on advanced weapons systems at the Naval Research Laboratory." "Wait! A _girl_ taught you to fly?" "What's wrong with girls?" Billie asked. "What's right with them?" Jake asked. "My sister is the biggest pain in the butt in history!" "I have _three_ sisters," I said with a grin. "Oh, man! What do you do?" "I spend a lot of time out of the house!" I chuckled. "OK, you turkeys," Bille said, "I'm going to find someone who appreciates me!" "I wasn't talking about cute girls!" I said quickly. "I was talking about _sisters_!" "Nice try, Buster!" Billie declared. "I'm too old for you!" I laughed, "You are cute, but I have a girlfriend. We've been together for about seven years." "Hang on! You've had a girlfriend since you were six?" "Yes. She lives in Leeds, in England. We met when we were both six, and we've been a couple ever since. I visit her every summer, and they visited at Christmas this year. And we chat on the computer." "Weird," Bobby said. That word perfectly described everything at the Compound, but I couldn't really discuss any of that because too many people freaked out about it. The reaction Jake and Bobby had to me, having had a girlfriend since I was six, was a perfect example of people not understanding. "When will you be an Eagle Scout?" Billie asked. "I have twelve of my thirteen 'mandatory requirement' merit badges completed, plus one elective. I need seven more electives in addition to the final mandatory one. This is my service project with my troop. I figure about eighteen months, and I should finish everything." "That's prestigious. Not too many guys achieve that. I bet that will help with the Naval Academy." "It should, along with recommendations from several current and retired officers. My dad has friends who have influence with both our congressman and our senators, plus NJROTC units can nominate three candidates, and Honor Units, which William Howard Taft is, can nominate six. There are other options as well, including the Vice President. I should be able to receive a nomination from one of those sources. At that point, it's competitive like any other university, and about a third of the nominees receive appointments." "What will you do if you don't get in?" "First of all, I'm positive I'm going to be nominated and appointed, but if by some bizarre twist of fate I don't get in, I'll attend IIT and join the Navy ROTC unit. I'll be an officer when I graduate." "It sounds as if you have your life fully mapped out," Billie observed. "I have since I was little," I replied. "The only conflict is I can't marry Jane until after I graduate from the Academy. You're not allowed to be married or have any dependents." "Seriously?" "Seriously." "Any chance we could hang out after I get out?" Bobby asked. "Sure. I'll give you my number, and you can hang out with my friends and me on Friday or Saturday nights." "Cool!" "Jake, once you're allowed to be around groups of people, you're invited, too." "Awesome!" ————— {br} 🎤 Ashley {br} "Can Dad just stop?" Stephie groused. "Can you just mind your own business?" I asked. "I don't get why you think it's OK that he basically fucks every girl he knows!" "Totally not true!" I countered. "And even if he does, so what?! How does it hurt you? Do you see him interfering with you and your friends? And if you ever get your head out of your butt, he won't interfere with you and Nicholas, and Nicholas would be allowed to sleep over." "He's such a dork! Nicholas, I mean. Who wants to play stupid video games?" "All our brothers," I replied. "They enjoy them. And it's not like Jesse and Matthew don't have girlfriends! And once Michael realizes that Andi is really cute with a nice body, those two are going to be doing the horizontal bop in addition to playing video games and working on robots! And Dad won't object. You need to get off your high horse and let everyone live their lives the way they want to!" "You just don't get it!" Stephie growled. "Well, given nobody else at the Compound or at Aunt Elyse's house has any problem with it, you might want to consider that this is a _you_ problem, not an _us_ problem! Nobody is being hurt, everything is consensual, and Kara Mom, Mom, Suzanne, and Dad all agree. And on your point of 'every girl he knows', there are rules, and he follows them. I don't know for sure what they are, but you could ask Kara Mom, if you want." "He and Birgit did it!" Stephie protested. "I don't think so; no, actually, I'm sure they didn't. If _that_ is your problem, you have your panties in a twist over something that didn't happen and something *Birgit* wanted to do, not Dad." "And how do you know that, Miss Smarty Pants?" "Seriously? Birgit was advertising! In fact, I'm positive that's part of why she had zero chance to get what she wanted — if it _could_ happen, it would have had to have happened where nobody knew about it. Not to mention, I'm reasonably certain I know the actual reason." "What?" Stephie asked. I shook my head, "First, I don't know for sure that I'm right. I'm pretty sure I am, but not sure enough to say it to anyone. And if I were to tell you _anything_ about Dad, you'd use it to have an even bigger snit about things that don't concern you! If you're THAT concerned, go ask Dad. You know he'll tell you the truth." "Hah! As if!" "Oh, for Pete's sake! Stephie, you've been a bitch since you got your period, and it needs to stop. Now!" "You don't understand! Just go away!" "We're in _our_ room," I replied. "You don't get to kick me out. If you want to leave, go for it." Stephie got up from the sofa and stalked out of the room without another word. I felt I needed to say something to someone, but Dad was with Avanti, Suzanne was out with a friend, and Mom was at work. I decided to talk to Kara Mom because she was the 'Senior Wife' in Dad's arrangement. I went downstairs and found her in the Indian room, grading quizzes. "OK to come in and talk?" I asked. "Yes," Kara Mom replied. "I'm running out of red ink." "That bad?" "You have no idea! What's up?" I shut the door and went to sit in one of the Papasan basket chairs next to her. "Stephie is having a hissy fit about Dad again, and I think I know the source of the problem — she's convinced Dad and Birgit had sex. I'm pretty sure that's not the case, but Stephie is convinced it happened." Kara Mom didn't answer right away, so I sat quietly and waited until she did, about thirty seconds later. "Normally, I would send you to your dad for questions about how he manages that part of his life, but it absolutely did not happen. I'll share something, but you have to promise never to repeat it." "Promise." "As you suspect, there is something that happened in the past that was the main reason for rejecting her request, but it was also the case that she was FAR too obvious about what she wanted, and what she wanted was, in effect, to displace your mom, Suzanne, and me." "That's…Birgit!" I giggled. "I was going to say 'nuts', but I think if you look up that word in the dictionary, her picture is there!" "You are what my grandmother would have called 'a pistol'!" "Right, because I don't come by it honestly!" I declared. "No comment!" Kara Mom exclaimed. "Well, if it's 'nature', it's not you. If it's nurture…" I smirked. "Your dad is right! You are a little scamp!" "Thank you!" "I'll see if I can talk to Stephie, but I think, unfortunately, she has her mind made up." "Sadly, I think you're right." ————— {br} [Aurora, Illinois] 🎤 Matthew {br} "That was a lot of fun!" Arby declared. "Next week, same time, same place?" "Absolutely!" I agreed. Chelsea came in just then, and after a quick hug, the seven of us split between two cars, with Chelsea and my mom driving us to Fuddruckers. We could walk to the theatre from there, so Mom went home after she dropped off Tara, Arby, and Nick. Tara's mom would pick everyone up except Chelsea and me, and she'd drive us back to my house. "How did your game go?" Chelsea asked when all of us were finally seated at Fuddruckers. "It was a blast!" Tara declared. "Matt is a really good DM and came up with a really interesting campaign. It started with a little boy saying his dad had been kidnapped and our group trying to find out what happened. We had just rescued the dad from a group of bandits and discovered he had invented a magical device that could unlock any lock, but the plans and research had been stolen as well. But they weren't in the hideout — the bandit leader had taken them and gone to Waterdeep to try to find someone who could actually build the device. Next Saturday, we'll investigate." "I assume there's more to the story?" Chelsea inquired. "Yes, but part of the fun is discovering that. And Matt is really good with twists and turns in his storytelling. And there's a good mix of stuff, so it's not all fighting." "It's similar to the game I showed you," I said. "_Baldur's Gate_. It takes place on the Sword Coast, just like that computer game. In fact, the expansion was named _Tales of the Sword Coast_." "And, of course," Ryan smirked, "we're all going to be Satan worshipers and commit suicide if our character dies!" "Mom's stories about the moral panic about _D&D_ are almost unbelievable," I said. "But they made TV movies that amped up the panic to the point where people were claiming that the game promoted Satanism, witchcraft, suicide, pornography, and murder. Of course, neatly ignoring that movies on HBO or at the theatre had the same themes. A TV movie, _Mazes and Monsters_, starring Tom Hanks, probably did the most to increase the panic. "There was a _60 Minutes_ special on it where Gary Gygax, who helped create the original game at TSR, said nobody blamed _Monopoly_ for people going bankrupt, so it made no sense to blame _D&D_ for all the stuff it was being accused of. It's fantasy, just like _Conan the Barbarian_ or other high fantasy movies. Fortunately, all that insanity mostly ended by the time all of us were born." "People need to get a grip," Tara declared. "You're preaching to the choir!" I replied. ————— {br} [Chicago, Illinois] 🎤 Jesse {br} "Go for Jesse!" I said, answering my phone. "Hi, Jesse. It's Luna. I assume you saw Trey and Jamal at the rink this morning." "Yes, unfortunately." "Simone said they were leaning hard on Deshawn and basically threatened to 'mess up' someone on the team if he didn't affiliate." "There's never a good time for that kind of thing, but couldn't they have waited a few weeks?" "Come on, Jesse! You know why they're doing it now." "Because of the playoffs, they think they can exert pressure. What's Deshawn going to do?" "He's basically screwed. If he tries to pretend to go along, they'll consider him a traitor when he tries to back off, and you know what happens then." "Nothing good," I sighed. "I'm going to call Coach and let him know. Maybe he has some ideas." "Are you doing anything tonight?" "Missy and I are going out." "What about tomorrow afternoon?" "No plans, though I have some homework to finish after church. How about 3:00pm?" "Great! See you then!" We ended the call, and I scrolled in the address book to find Coach Nelson's number and pressed the call button. "Nelson residence," he said when he answered the phone. "Coach, it's Jesse Block. Do you have a moment?" "Of course. What do you need?" "I'm not sure if you're aware, but the Gangster Disciples and Latin Kings are targeting players on our team." "Who?" he asked. "Deshawn, Kenton, and Tomás, but there could be others. Two of the Gangster Disciples were at the rink today, and according to Luna Alonso and Simone Jackson, they threatened to harm someone on the team if Deshawn didn't affiliate." "God damn it!" he swore, then quickly added, "Sorry, Jesse, I shouldn't have said that." "I've said worse," I replied. "Don't worry about it. Is there anything you can think of that we can do?" "I've been worried about this for years, and all the coaches have discussed it with the principal, the School Board, and the police, but nothing has happened. I'm sure you know the gang task force has tried to put undercover cops into the school." "And we all know who they are," I replied. "They're too obvious — new kid in school, loner, no friends from school, doesn't participate in any activities, doesn't go on dates, and so on. They got lucky with the drug bust a few years ago because someone got careless. I've never touched the stuff, but we all know where to get it and how to avoid the cops." "Sadly, you're right. I think I need to call the Principal and discuss this with him." "Just so you know, several kids from Kenwood Academy are talking about going to private schools, and some of the kids from Morgan Park are saying that school is looking to pair with a different school. I was going to talk to you about it after the playoffs." "What are you thinking, Jesse?" "That I want to stay at Kenwood Academy, but I don't think I can." "Please don't make any rash decisions. Let me see if there is anything at all I can do." "No rash decisions, Coach. That's why I planned to talk to you after the playoffs. I need to focus on the games this weekend." "Good. I'll see if I can reach Principal Thomas right away. See you at practice on Monday morning." "See you then, Coach." I closed the phone and put it back into my pocket. "That was one of the reasons my parents moved me to the Lab School," Missy said. "Please don't repeat this, but it's why my aunts moved my siblings there as well." "What are you going to do?" "Again, complete secrecy, please." "Obviously." "Once the playoffs are over, talk to the coaches from British International and Chicago Latin and see if they can get me a spot in their schools even though the application deadline for next year has passed." "And if you can't?" "Lane Tech, probably. After that, I'm not sure. Morgan Park doesn't have enough players, so they'd need to find a new association. If they do, that would be an option. Or I could play for a travel team, but that takes even more time than the High School team." "That sucks! But forget that! Let's go have dinner, see a movie, and then fool around until you have to take me home." "Deal!" _January 26, 2003, Chicago, Illinois_ 🎤 Steve {br} "Anyone want to take a guess at what 'aibohphobia' is?" I asked when Philosophy Club began. There were numerous head shakes, and nobody spoke for at least thirty seconds. "A fear of Sony's robotic dog?" Penny suggested. I laughed, "Then, for me, it would be Peteophobia!" Everyone laughed at the reference to Penny's high-strung Jack Russell Terrier. "You're right about that dog being one bark away from a stroke!" Terry said. "Of course, you said that about his predecessor as well." "High-strung dog for high-strung owner?" Liz teased. Everyone laughed again. "No, it's not about Aibo," I said. "But I wonder if Penny knows they make a Jack Russell Terrier model, the ERS-210, released in 2000?" "How did I miss that?" she asked. "I'm going to have to check it out!" "Steve, what's the phobia?" Danielle asked. I held up a piece of construction paper with the word written in large block capitals. "Any thoughts?" I knew Sarah had solved it when she started laughing. "Fear of palindromes, right?" she asked. "Yes. A made-up phobia. It's from _The Computer Contradictionary_, which is a revision of _The Devil's DP Dictionary_, itself a parody in the form of Ambrose Bierce." "DP?" Penny smirked. "Get your mind out of the gutter, Penelope! Data Processing!" "Right, because when we referred to Dante's old firm as 'DP', it didn't mean what you think I think it means!" "Behave, Penny!" I commanded. "Right, because she's behaved exactly how often since you've known her?" Terry asked. Everyone laughed. "What was the point of the word?" Tabitha asked. "Exactly that — it's a word, but it's completely made up and nonsensical, using faux Greek. Of course, the medical profession does that with medical Latin and medical Greek, so the author is in good company there! Those are, even though they are medical and sound scientific, no less made-up words than 'aibohphobia'. "Which means that any collection of letters that conveys meaning is a word, dictionaries and grammars to the contrary notwithstanding. Usually, it's trotted out against such cringeworthy words as 'irregardless', which is used in place of 'regardless' or 'irrespective'. Is there anyone here who does not know what 'irregardless' means?" Everyone shook their head. "Fundamentally, if a series of letters conveys a meaning, it's a word. What the objectors really mean is that you shouldn't use the word, whatever it is, in formal writing. I can pretty much guarantee an English teacher is going to mark it wrong, too. But in informal speech, it's just fine." "I had a teacher who once said if it wasn't in the dictionary, it wasn't a word," John said. "But then again, I started High School in 1962!" "Mrs. Oligee, the English teacher at Milford Main who was already ancient by the time I had her in seventh grade, would probably have agreed with you," I said. "But new words enter the language all the time. Tens of thousands since you had your last English class, John. And it can take years before they appear in a printed, unabridged dictionary. That doesn't make them not words. Tell me, anyone, what's the common thing amongst these words — accommodation, amazement, apostrophe, assassination, impartial, invulnerable, misplaced, road, submerge, and suspicious?" "They don't seem to be related in any way," Gabby said about a minute later. "Let me give you a clue. What they all have in common, they also have in common with 'break the ice', 'in one fell swoop', and 'clothes make the man'." "Shakespeare!" Liz exclaimed. "I know that last one is one he first used, and I think the other two as well." "Yes. All those words, all those phrases, and many, many more are first attested in Shakespeare's works. Whether he invented them or not, they were new, but now are common. In our times, words that are introduced are more likely than not related to science or technology in some way, but words like 'whataboutism' and phrases like 'Mutual Assured Destruction' are new as well. "Dictionaries can only ever be descriptive, not proscriptive, as word meanings change. A good example is that when Shakespeare uses 'science', he doesn't mean the scientific method, but 'knowledge'. Other words have changed meanings over time, such as 'awful' originally meant to be 'full of awe' rather than something that was terrible. And 'terrible' originally meant 'to instill terror', not 'bad'. The same is true for 'terrific', which changed from 'frightening' to 'wonderful'. "Similarly, grammars are observations combined with an attempt to control or corral what is best described as a bastard language. It's been said about English that it doesn't borrow words from other languages so much as follows them into alleys, beats them up, then rifles through their remains for loose vocabulary and grammar!" Everyone laughed. "It is an amazing mess of Germanic, Old Norse, French, Latin, and Greek," Liz said, "with smatterings of Spanish, Chinese, Dutch, Japanese, and other languages thrown in for good measure! And that's not even considering proper nouns." "An example of how grammar has changed is pronouns," I said, "where modern English has morphed from those used in the King James Bible to our current set. Other than in extremely formal situations, mostly in church or amongst certain Christian sects, 'thee', 'thou', and 'thine' have fallen out of use. And I bet half the people in this room, as highly educated as you all are, don't know when to use 'who' or 'whom' without having to stop to think about it." "Does anyone even use 'whom' anymore?" Isabella asked. "STEVE!" Kara exclaimed. "For someone who disdains formal grammar and dictionaries, he probably follows grammar rules better than most anyone!" "Even better," Natalie interjected, "is that he knows that the rule against ending sentences with prepositions was imposed by a few linguists who thought Latin was the height of all languages. Despite that knowledge, he almost never ends a sentence with a preposition." "Guilty as charged," I chuckled. "But clear, precise communication is very important. It's far too easy to be misunderstood, and that's why at NIKA we have a corporate style guide and conventions so that we're communicating in a clear, consistent manner. That said, it only applies to formal internal communications and communication with customers. It doesn't apply in casual emails between staff." "So, dictionaries and grammars are descriptive," Heidi observed. "But NIKA's style guide is _prescriptive_." "Just as are the style guides for newspapers and magazines," I replied. "My favorite is _The New Yorker_, which insists on using diereses for non-diphthong vowel sequences. You place a dieresis on the second vowel of words like 'coöperate' or 'reënter' to show that you voice both vowels, as opposed to a single sound. It looks like an umlaut, but it's not." "Does anyone still use those?" Heidi asked. "STEVE!" Liz, Penny, and Cindi all exclaimed at once.